The mask I wear

The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.

Do men like this still exist? Seriously!

I come to work on Mopnday morning and a collegue of mine is pretty upset. So i say whats the matter? And the whole story comes rushing out. The poor girl is 5months pregnant...1st pregnancy. Anywa she says to the dude i need a gynea and I need to sort out where Ima be havin the baby...So the gynea costs about USD350. He says well i dont have any money...She says so what do u want me to do and he says God will take care of u. So she says ya but we have to put in some effort. Besides he took out a loan at work to go to SA. Not to mention she bought all teh baby stuff with her own money. Then he says that was coz u wanted a stove...u shud have saved the money for the gynea. So she says this is my 1st pregnancy Im pretty far along what if something happens? He says then go to a provincial hospital e.g Harare hospital and she says hell no! Then he says u always want flamboyant things thats your problem. And the man has the nerve to say "why were u opening your legs in the 1st place". Bearing in mind he was the one who kept complaining as to why she wasnt pregnant yet and that he wanted a baby...they have been married since last year August. Im so MAD! They guy didnt even take her for her 1st scan...He was "working". Never mind the fact that she was having back-pains and didnt know what it was all about he was just too busy...

So to top of the story which happened this morning she says I have to go to work and he is refusing to let her out the dor. So she pushes him and rips his shirt ion the process and walks out. Dude sends a message saying, I want you to replace my shirt. WTF???????????????

Africans are a problem...

The best kitchen tea ever

Where on earth did the idea of kitchen tea parties hail from?

This weekend I attended one such shindig for a friend of mine. When I first heard about it I was not looking forward to the words of wisdom ranging from 'be nice to your mother in law come hell come high water' to 'always make sure the dishes are done' and I certainly was not lookin forward to the sex session...

So my friend picks me up and we made our way to the venue (brides house or ex-house) and her mum immediately says please make the punch alky and non-alky...So I was like cool and I began on my concoction of wine/brandy and goodness knows what else. Im done I open the freezer looking for space to chill what I thought was a damn good punch...Oh yes lets not forget the non-alky one.

I open this freezer and there was no space at all due to the six packs and six packs of beers...I was like goodness do they sell booze here? Had to resort to getting ice for my punches as there clearly wasnt any room for them in there...

So the part starts and no-one seems interested in the punch...rather the beers come out...I ws like uh...okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...There was a granny sumin looked like she had seen the better part of 70 in her heels, a shock of white hair on her head asking for a larger...Soon all the mothers were swigging away, voices started getting louder slowly but surely, insults being tossed about ladies began getting rowdy...Then the church ladies pitched in their uniforms dampening e atmosphere for about 45mins while they ate and imparted the dreaded words of wisdom...They sang two lovely church songs as they departed and the other ladies stood up hands glued to their beers singing and dancing along and taking a swig every so often. I tell you i was looking and thinking what is wrong with this picture?

Off went the church ladies and "the others" continued drinkin more freely now...Screaming for a radio, singing rude songs, dancing in ways Im sure you do not want to see your mother dancing. I tell you any bar on the night of a major soccer match had nothing on what was happening in the mother of the brides living room...This was now around 8pm and granny sumin was still goin strong wit her largers...I cant even describe in words how crazy these ladies were. I sat and looked wondering if this is what I would be doing 20 odd years from now..Even assigned personalities to each of my friends.

The party couldnt end of course with out a few words from a couple of "aunties" on you know what...Im telling you in this day and age they should seriously consider droppin that topic...Im pretty sure by the time most people get round to actually getting married they will have done all that and more.

All in all it was great! I think we should have them like this more often non of this boring sitting pretending to be shy and all knowledgable! We all have party animals inside us screaming to get out! Let them out for goodness sake thats why its called a kitchen tea PARTY!

My most complex relationship

Vee and shoes. Present and those to come. We have an extremely complex relationship. I am happy to say as I'm journeying through this quest to understand wat on earth is going on in life, I have established an intricate connection between my shoes and my well-being! Have you ever noticed how if you shoes are in disarray, need re-healing or the white parts of patterned shoes are dirty your life is out of control?

The whole process of cleaning, tidying re-healing and whatever else takes hours and is cost (esp in this country!) but well worth it for a calm and composed life...